Saturday, December 3, 2016

What I feel when it hits....

Part of managing or coping or combating depression is to write / talk / blog about it.

The theory is that once the statements are made and you get feedback you can get everything in perspective.

Does this process work? I don't know I am still going thru it.

Let's start with the easier question, how did you know you were depressed? Well, that is more of a sticky question because I was actually angry with EVERYONE ANNOUNCING THEIR DEPRESSION.
I realized it was their thing to do but it came in a wave in the early summer everyone I knew or watched had some form of depression to talk about.
I was really angry because it was "so popular" to be depressed and honestly, I wasn't that depressed to begin with I was frustrated with my weight loss plateauing and then the sudden left turn I took when I wanted to go right.

The thing is the more I ignored my "symptoms" the more it was pointed out to me ...much like a pin to a voodoo doll. By September I was engaging in a classic denial and worse I was finding myself trying to "bust out" of any "blues" I had.

Then the election hit where irrational fears and heartbreak just doubled down on me. I was sad.

Depression for me feels like a headache I can not get rid of and it starts in the morning and doesn't subside till I go to sleep.

When I volunteer or attend social functions I am chatty and over exuberant because I fend off the feelings of being scared or "not good enough". It is a dance of extreme balance because I am trying to constantly be "on" when I don't have to be.

Are you seeing a therapist? Not anymore. I do not do well in a 1:1 therapy and the next group therapy isn't till the new year so I will see about that. 1:1 therapy is very deflating instead of answers I am given questions and told something that while it maybe a "case study" its not the answer because that answer is dead.

Are you taking medication? No. That was one thing in the 1:1 therapy that really got me upset we were not even half way thru our first session and the therapist wanted to prescribe a drug. As someone who abhors the "pharmaceutical commercials" now I can not see me taking a medicine where one of the more common listed side effects is sudden death (WTF?).

Basically, I have enlisted a whole cadre of tasks and skills to combat the depression. I am a little stronger because of it. For evidence I have blogged about my experience here.

Is my way the right way ? NO! You have to map out your path with your needs. That is something I really k felt the 1:1 therapy did not address was my need to be sad or happy. Nine times out of ten I have a natural smile on my face where ever I go. Even the grocery store. I started to nitpick things and that is where I found my depression and it bloomed in the avenues of decluttering and looking at my life.

I thought I was content but then I was faced with the I wants which were the I would haves which just won't happen because its in the past.

Are you doing "Self-Care" ? I always ask What the Eff is that exactly? From journaling to having servants the "self-care" mantra is a bit more hype than I even want to admit. That said decluttering can be very much a happy experience for me and that qualifies as Self-Care. So go move the Elf on the Shelf is what I say to that.

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